I don’t exactly remember the first time I saw you. You have been in my life as long as I can remember. Like a painting’s background, you were in my life without me even noticing it. But you were present, always. Sometimes you crossed my mind, in a fond way. But you were just a small part of my life, like a relative you only see on Christmas. Until this summer 2010. I will always remember those two weeks. What a surprise it was. I got to know you and what I discovered amazed me.
The love that started to grow was anything but rational. You were far from my hometown and speaking a foreign language. You were admired and loved by many. I should have known that this would be complicated but I fell for you anyway. I came back from this summer with the firm intention to make this work.
So two years later, when I came back to you, I was full of hope and excitement for this new life ahead of us. There began the best and the worst times of my life.
You were all that I had always dreamed of. Everything I expected in life, you gave it to me. You were my dream come true. My whole life revolved around you. I gave you everything and didn’t see anything. You were a risky bet that I had chosen to make. I was so blinded by all that you represented that I didn’t see the danger coming. I lost myself in you, so deeply that I forgot who I was. I became a mere shadow of my former self. And you brought me down even more. You weren’t what I expected anymore. I saw your dark side and it heightened mine. After being everything that I had dreamt of, you became all that I had always feared. Each second by your side destroyed me a little more. I had to leave, but I couldn’t. I was trapped by a faded dream.
I left eventually. It took me a whole year to recover from you, from the painful memories of the happy days by your side and the darkest ones you made me experience. One year of trying to forget you, to forgive you, to move on. How can you love and hate so much at the same time?
It’s been a few months now that I am at peace with the memories I have with you and with the idea of seeing you again.
This is why I bought a ticket and came see you. Call me crazy, but I think I needed this. As a therapy. It made me sick with apprehension. I was eaten up by fear and yet, from the moment I was with you again, I experienced a deep feeling of peacefulness, like everything was exactly where it was supposed to be. We both evolved and gained wisdom and I felt like everything was still possible. I rediscovered you and the few days I spent by your side filled me with deep joy and happiness. I am at peace now. And I can say.
London, I still love you.